Distractions

It seems like every year around this time (and pretty much any other time when I get a vacation) I inevitably have to deal with bouts of anxiety and depression. I suppose you could chock it up to some kind of clinical explanation, my temperament or the fact that my girlfriend just left to go on vacation for a few weeks with her family, but something tells me that it may be more than that. When I'm not on vacation, my mind is almost completely preoccupied with assignments that are coming up or something that I need to accomplish before a deadline. When I go on break, however, I go from having tons of things to worry about, to having next to nothing to worry about. Surprisingly this is when I seem to run into the most trouble. As stated before, one of two things seem to happen during these times. I either one, fall into a bout of depression where I don't have any motivation to do anything at all, or two, start worrying about things that I normally don’t have any time to worry about.

I think the first reaction is pretty self-explanatory, especially for those who struggle with bouts of depression, so I'll just skip that part. As for the second part, it’s probably a bit harder for most people to understand. When I say anxiety I mean a flood of extreme dread and hopeless that comes over me. Generally these feelings are sparked by questions that frighten me and make me question the things that I hold closest to my heart. These questions generally have to do with the validity of the things I have put my faith in, whether my beliefs about reality are true and the implications that follow if I am wrong in my beliefs. I'm sure that these concerns are common, but my question really lies with why these anxieties don’t surface at any other time of the year.

Given the title of this entry, I think it’s plainly obvious to you at this point that it’s because I am distracted at almost every other time of the year. Whether it is by grades, by social events or by complaining about my job, I have effectively distracted myself so that I don't have time to really address the questions that really matter in life. This also touches on another possible issue in my life: The state of my relationship with God. I feel like it’s during these times that I really realize what I’m putting my faith in when trying to answer the big questions of life. More often than not I’m putting my faith in my ability to answer these questions rationally rather than looking to Scripture for the answers. Maybe God is using these times to bring me closer to himself. I shared these concerns with my girlfriend a few days back and she sent me a great verse of scripture that is now written on the small chalkboard on my wall.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths”

– Proverbs 3:5-6

The Boy with Striped Pajamas and Innocence

A couple of weeks ago I was over at my grandma’s house when everyone decided that we should watch a movie on Netflix. Sitting in a room full of females from just about every age group (with the exception of myself of course) you would expect that some sort of chick flick or animated movie involving a princess would be chosen. Surprisingly enough, however, the movie, “The Boy with the Striped Pajamas”, won by a popular vote. As the night went by and the movie progressed, people began to either go to sleep or go back home, until only myself, my sister Rebecca, my little cousin Madison who we have nicknamed “Monkey”, and my girlfriend Monique were the only ones left watching the movie. If you haven’t seen the movie, I would highly recommend it, and if you want the ending to be a surprise I suggest you stop reading this until you have seen it.

The story, in short, is about a German boy, Bruno, living during the time of the Holocaust who befriends a Jewish boy, Shmuel, who lives behind the gates of a concentration camp near his house. Bruno, who is too young to understand what’s going on, mistakes Shmuel’s prison attire for pajamas and is under the false impression that the concentration camps are harmless. As the story progresses Bruno secretly visits the boy on a regular basis and brings him food. One day Bruno and Shmuel concoct a plan to dig a hole under the fence separating them in an attempt to help Shmuel find his father. The boys end up succeeding in their plan and Bruno is given a pair of the “pajamas” to wear so that he will blend in after he squeezes under the fence. As the boys begin their search for the father in one of the housing units, the boys, along with all of the other prisoners, are ordered to march to an unknown area. As the march continues on and the prisoners are pushed into a metal chamber, it becomes sadly obvious to anyone familiar with the atrocities of the Holocaust what is about to happen. The chamber doors are closed behind the prisoners, they are ordered to remove their clothes, and a poisonous gas canister is dropped into the room. After the canister is dropped the screen goes black, followed by a shot of the chamber door slowly zooming out.

The Holocaust, as horrible and thought provoking as it is, was not the only thing that caught my attention while watching this movie. As the final shot of the chamber door drug on and the somber music played in the background, a squeaky voice penetrated the silence with the most unexpected question: “When are they coming out?”  While everyone else in the room was dealing with the fact that a room full of men, women and children were senselessly slaughtered (both in the story and in countless instances during the actual Holocaust), Monkey was puzzled as to why the prisoners weren’t coming out of the room. In her mind (based on what I gathered from the question she raised) the thought that someone would kill a room full of people, and children at that, was completely foreign.  Maybe it was due to the fact that I have been taught about the Holocaust since my youth or maybe it was just because I’ve seen so much depravity in my 20 short years on this planet, but the ending wasn’t that surprising to me.  It was definitely tragic, but not surprising. Monkey, on the other hand, after being told the fate of the people in the chamber, was completely perplexed.

What causes us to lose this innocent perspective of the world? What causes us to cease to be surprised by such evils as not only the Holocaust but murders, sexual assaults, or school shootings that have seemingly happened every time we turn on the news? I guess the obvious answer from a Biblical perspective would be the fall, but that seems to only answer the question of why the world is the way it is. The question of why our response to these things is often a half surprised, “I can’t believe someone did that”, still remains.  Maybe after seeing so much evil, for so long, people become jaded. I’m not sure what the answer is for certain but maybe you have an idea. If so post it below, I’d be interested to read it.

What this whole blog( or journal or whatever you want to call it) is about.

I guess it would be appropriate to start off by explaining why I'm writing this blog in the first place. As of right now the best reason I can give for writing this is to simply express my thoughts and feelings about the world and sort of chronicle my walk with the Lord. I think a good thing to do at this time would also be to explain why I'm not writing this blog (or at least what I don't want my motivation to be in writing it). I'm not writing this to appear intelligent, to get attention or to make people think that I'm awesome (honestly these are some of the things I struggle with the most). If you're reading this and have any intention of continuing to do so, I hope to be posting quite regularly if I can stay motivated enough to keep up with it.

Thanks for stopping by and God bless!