Distractions

It seems like every year around this time (and pretty much any other time when I get a vacation) I inevitably have to deal with bouts of anxiety and depression. I suppose you could chock it up to some kind of clinical explanation, my temperament or the fact that my girlfriend just left to go on vacation for a few weeks with her family, but something tells me that it may be more than that. When I'm not on vacation, my mind is almost completely preoccupied with assignments that are coming up or something that I need to accomplish before a deadline. When I go on break, however, I go from having tons of things to worry about, to having next to nothing to worry about. Surprisingly this is when I seem to run into the most trouble. As stated before, one of two things seem to happen during these times. I either one, fall into a bout of depression where I don't have any motivation to do anything at all, or two, start worrying about things that I normally don’t have any time to worry about.

I think the first reaction is pretty self-explanatory, especially for those who struggle with bouts of depression, so I'll just skip that part. As for the second part, it’s probably a bit harder for most people to understand. When I say anxiety I mean a flood of extreme dread and hopeless that comes over me. Generally these feelings are sparked by questions that frighten me and make me question the things that I hold closest to my heart. These questions generally have to do with the validity of the things I have put my faith in, whether my beliefs about reality are true and the implications that follow if I am wrong in my beliefs. I'm sure that these concerns are common, but my question really lies with why these anxieties don’t surface at any other time of the year.

Given the title of this entry, I think it’s plainly obvious to you at this point that it’s because I am distracted at almost every other time of the year. Whether it is by grades, by social events or by complaining about my job, I have effectively distracted myself so that I don't have time to really address the questions that really matter in life. This also touches on another possible issue in my life: The state of my relationship with God. I feel like it’s during these times that I really realize what I’m putting my faith in when trying to answer the big questions of life. More often than not I’m putting my faith in my ability to answer these questions rationally rather than looking to Scripture for the answers. Maybe God is using these times to bring me closer to himself. I shared these concerns with my girlfriend a few days back and she sent me a great verse of scripture that is now written on the small chalkboard on my wall.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths”

– Proverbs 3:5-6